CARING FOR LOVED ONES WITH CANCER
By Kamalini Kumar Ph.D. from Clinton, Iowa, USA.
Life changes when
a person is told “You have cancer.” But the patient is only one of the people
affected by the cancer. Life also changes for those who care about and love the
person with cancer. And life also changes for the person who will help the
patient get through the cancer experience – the caregiver.
Having lost both
my only brother and my mother to cancer in the last 3 years, I have been
thinking a great deal about this disease which seems to evoke so much fear and
trepidation when one hears the diagnosis. What metaphors do we think of? One has to just
read the obituaries to show us how we think about cancer. Long ago, I read a book by Donald Miller
called "Blue like Jazz" where the author referred to the metaphors we
use in life that often determine our attitudes. The overwhelming majority of
metaphors for cancer are "war metaphors" such as we battle cancer, we
fight cancer, we overcome cancer, we do not accept defeat, we will win, we will
rebuild our white cells, she/he is a cancer survivor, they are struggling with
cancer and so on. Do we think like this when we are diagnosed with diabetes or
hypertension, asthma, COPD or other chronic diseases?
I think that
because of these war metaphors, many people who have the diagnosis of cancer
suffer and feel more burdened than in fact they should. Most of them are
frightened beyond their need to be frightened and this affects their health.
Some might feel that since they have been thrust into this deadly war, they
might just simply give up and wait till the end comes.
What if there was
another metaphor, another way to think about cancer that would be more accurate
than the war metaphor, maybe then, cancer would not prove to be so deadly.
Research has shown that the way people think about cancer affects their ability
to deal with the disease, thus affecting their overall health. If you or
someone in your family were given this diagnosis today, maybe you would express
shock, fear, apprehension, tears, yet, the survival rate of cancer is far
better than many other diseases. What if we changed the metaphor and looked at
the diagnosis of cancer as a Marathon…. a Relay for Life as it were!
The
Marathon originates from the ancient Greek legend of Pheidippides who was a
messenger from the Battle of Marathon in 490BC. It is said he ran 25 miles to
Athens from the battlefield to proclaim Greek victory over the Persians and on
his arrival called out, “Rejoice, we are victorious,” before he collapsed and
died. Marathons were around 25 miles long until the 1908 London Olympic games
when the route that was originally intended to be 26 miles, with a start at
Windsor Castle and the finish at White City Stadium was revised to include a
planned stadium lap finishing in front or the Royal Box, for this to possible
some logistical changes were made that brought the total distance up to 26.2
miles that has remained the standard length. From the beginning of training to
completing the marathon race, a recreational runner will have on average run a
total of 880 miles. Anyone who has trained and run a marathon knows that this
is not a race for the fainthearted or the uncommitted runner. It is hard work
and requires a great commitment and persistence to finish the race, as does
dealing with cancer. There are people who come alongside to cheer, encourage,
and support the runner, so too with those with cancer have their cheerleaders,
supporters and caregivers. And in the end, the race gets run and the
accomplishment is fantastic. If that's how we viewed this disease, maybe, our
whole attitude and outlook will be different and we would cope so much better.
There is a myth out there that the risk of dying from cancer in the United States is
increasing. The Origin of Myth is that many
people believe that their risk for cancer is growing because cancer figures are
sometimes reported out of context. The actual number of people who are
diagnosed and who die of cancer each year has indeed grown — because the U.S.
population is growing larger, and is aging. Cancer is more common among the
elderly, so more cases are to be expected as the average age of the U.S.
population increases. A closer look at the numbers by age group shows the cancer
risk for Americans is actually dropping. The reality
is that the risk of being diagnosed with cancer and the risk of dying of
cancer have decreased since the early 1990s. Fewer than half the people
diagnosed with cancer today will die of the disease. Some are completely cured,
and many more people survive for years with a good quality of life, thanks to
treatments that control many types of cancer.
Despite the sadness and shock of
having a loved one with cancer, many people find personal satisfaction in
caring for that person. You may see it as a meaningful role that allows you to
show your love and respect for the person. It may also feel good to be helpful
and know that you are needed by a loved one. You may find that caregiving enriches your
life. You might feel a deep sense of satisfaction, confidence, and
accomplishment in caring for someone. You may also learn about inner strengths
and abilities that you didn’t even know you had, and find a greater sense of
purpose for your own life.
Caring for someone going through
cancer treatment is a demanding role, but being good at it can give you a sense
of meaning and pride. These good feelings can give you the strength and
endurance to continue in the role for as long as you are needed.
Overwhelming concern for a sick
loved one may distract you from taking care of yourself. You may find there is
conflict between the needs of the patient, your own needs, and the needs of
your family. Many caregivers forget to eat, don’t get enough sleep or exercise,
and ignore their own physical health concerns. Be sure to make and keep your
own doctor appointments, get enough sleep, exercise, eat healthy foods, and
keep your normal routine as much as you can. It is important not to feel guilty
or selfish when you ask for help or take time for yourself. By taking care of
yourself, you will be better able to take care of your loved one.
What I want to focus on tonight
is:
How to be a Friend Someone with
Cancer:
1.
Offer help & be specific
When
tragedy strikes, everyone wants to help, but without a specific offer, it's
unlikely the patient will actually reach out for help. "Make your offers
as specific as possible; babysitting, cooking, taking walks with the patient
after surgery, helping with particular errands. The less specific you are, the
more you're making the patient do extra work in thinking of ways you can help.
2.
Become their spokesperson
Another
important job you can help with? Offer to become a spokesperson. "Send out
weekly e-mails to friends, family and supporters, letting them know how the
patient is doing and what ways they can help.
3.
Be a friend
Simply being a
friend makes all the difference when helping people dealing with cancer. It means being willing to sacrifice all that you have for that
individual whether it be money or life or reputation. It means doing something
for the person even if you think that you will be taken advantage of. It is
helping when you have no energy. It is completely dying to self. It is going
the extra mile when there is no road left and you have to build it yourself. A
friend truly loves at all times and having one is a gift that most do not
receive in this life.
4.
Don't lecture
When
it comes to coping, there's no 'right' or 'wrong' way. "We all cope
differently, there's no one size fits all. Everyone has his or her own style.
We need to learn to appreciate each other's coping styles, unless we notice a
friend in such great denial that she's refusing treatment. It's best if friends
and family avoid dispensing medical advice. Also, avoid sharing horror stories
or barraging the patient with constant phone calls."
5.
Listen
So
often, we worry about what to say; sometimes the best answer is nothing at all.
Instead of talking, try to listen. Let them lead the conversation. Let them
know you're ready to hear whatever they have to say, and take your cues as to
where to go with the conversation from what they tell you.
6.
Make them smile
Laughter
can do wonders for one's outlook on the future.
Start distributing exceptionally good joke e-mails to your friend with
cancer, but make sure you know what kind of humor they enjoy; otherwise your
efforts may fall flat. Whenever you can share funny, amusing
anecdotes that help put a smile on the cancer patient's face, it really helps
lighten their day even when they are grumpy!
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7.
Start a neighborhood food bank
Some
days, they may not feel like getting out of bed, let alone making a meal for
their family. That's where you come in. "Organize a neighborhood 'food
bank' where, if the patient puts a cooler on the front porch, that's the signal
that she needs some help with food, and supporters can decide who'll make the
food that day and leave it in the cooler. This way, the patient knows she and
her family are covered with meals while saving her from making individual
conversations with people at a time when she's feeling particularly
challenged."
8.
Treat them the same as you would when they did not
have cancer
Though
it's not easy, the most important thing family and friends can do is treat the
patient as they always have. Cancer doesn't change who we are, yet people often
become paralyzed with fear in the face of illness.
9.
Be sensitive
It's
very important to be sensitive to what they are experiencing. If they are
clearly tired, don't exhaust them more by keeping them on the phone or extending
a visit. Also, don't talk about people who succumbed to disease."
10.
Get active
Sometimes
a change of scenery or behavior can make a difference in a patient's attitude.
Whenever a person is dealing with tremendous stress, he or she needs to
increase the positives in life. I don't mean positive thinking, but activities
or pastimes that inspire, relax or renew. For example, schedule get-togethers
with friends to watch a funny DVD. Try meditation. Try creative writing or
journaling. Take a trip somewhere warm if it's winter. If it's summer, try
walking around the block or sitting on the porch.
11. Last, but not least, Pray for and pray with
your friend with cancer.
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